Sad Day

Today is a sad day. Today I have to start sifting through papers, items and 'remember-whens' to separate myself from my 4 year partner. I've broken up from two long-term relationships and I'll tell you something: it's much easier when both parties are angry, mean and hurtful. It's much, much harder when both parties are sad, lost and regretful. Just when I need my protector to hold me and make me feel safe I have no one. I've cried a thousand tears but I know that this is just the beginning and when I start to feel better some memory from the good times will sneak in and eviscerate me. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up in 6 months when he is gone and I have numbed around the edges. But, that's not possible and for the next two months we are going to have to un-learn our love of each other and part as friends, never to see one another again.

I feel so lost but I am assured in knowing that A is making a choice that will be best for him. He has changed and I am still myself, for better or for worse. He is growing and where he goes I can not follow anymore. My heart breaks but I try to put on a brave front because it is easy for neither of us. I despair for all the plans and dreams that will remain unfulfilled. I weep for others that lose him, not just for myself. I cry, but I know I will survive this. And still, I cry.